Primary Program

Today was a great day.


In April, I was made the 2nd counselor in the primary presidency in our ward. Me!?! The bishopric member who called me to this calling explained the details of the job. Sounded easy enough, though I'll admit, the part about teaching sharing time scared me. Ha! If only I had known then what fear really was. Soon after, I was filled in on my last duty...writing the primary program. "Okay", I thought. "I like being creative in my writing...let's give it a shot." I remember sitting in the foyer one Sunday with the most recently released 2nd counselor of the primary, when she turned to me and said "congratulations on your new calling."
"Thanks", I replied.
"Did ya know you get to write the primary program?"
"Yeah, they mentioned that."
...and then she smiled and said "good luck with that." And then she laaaaughed and laaaaughed.

Hmmmm...

Fast forward a few months and I would swear I was living an apocalyptic future except double the fire and earthquakes and throw in a ticking time-bomb. In fact, I can pretty much guarantee over 20 sleepless nights and heartburn from here to Montana.

HOWEVER...I'm posting this tonight to talk about the outcome...the final result of it all...what has changed because of it. I have changed because of it. Those kids were amazing today. Their message was the product of something I created, taught innocently and simply as only children can teach. When I wrote this program, I knew the family I wanted to cast for the "acting" part and as I thought about each one of them, the words just filled my mind. Same thing for the individual parts. I assigned kids certain parts...I didn't go down a list and assign "child a" to "part 1", I prayed about it first and listened to the spirit. Most of these kids, I have no idea who they are or what their background is. I overheard a mom talking to her teacher later that her daughter's part in the program was exactly what the mom needed to hear...something she was struggling with. Another woman said her niece's part made complete and absolute sense...her short, one-line part was "I can be an example to my family." Found out later the niece was the only baptized member of her immediate family, but with her aunt's help, her parents were receiving the missionary discussions.

Funny how it all falls into place.

Then there's me. Naturally my Dad comes to mind when I take on a spiritual challenge such as this. And the one person I really want to be there at the end of it all, can only be there in spirit. So I've been overwhelmed these last couple weeks...got sick on top of it all and almost hit my drowning point. When going through a box of important documents, frantically looking for something completely unrelated, I stumbled upon a treasure. See, when someone you love dies, all you have left is what they already gave you...letters, cards, pictures...memories. And while you cherish those beyond anything else, it's still not as good as getting something new. This day I got something new from my Dad. A card...for whatever reason unopened from my Dad to me - a year or so before he died. In it he told me how much he cherished the love we shared, how proud of me he was and how he couldn't have asked for a better daughter.

and then I could breath again.

The primary program I wrote was performed flawlessly. The kids were outstanding, the music was inspiring. I had my family there in the audience supporting me. And I can't even begin to describe the compliments I received afterward. One woman happened to be in town visiting her daughter and decided to come to church after falling on her hip hard in the night. She stuck around after several other groups left the chapel and even followed me over to primary, though I didn't notice at first. Then, we were introduced and she shook my hand.

"I've been in the stake primary presidency for over 45 years and I want you to know this was the best program I have ever seen. I was recently released, but if I were still in the presidency, I would ask for a copy of your program."

I don't think you can get a better compliment than that. I am rejuvenated in my calling and now feel like I can tackle any task before me. I know I had help along this arduous journey, from many sources, especially my compassionate and loving husband who helped me remember the importance of saying a prayer whenever you need help. My Heavenly Father loves me so much and I'm so aware of that now. After such a spiritual experience like today, I had to write it down and give thanks. I will always...always remember this moment in my life.


Today was a great day.

Summer days without you

Had a dream the other day. Don't remember much about it except for the end. I was at home with Taylor, who came into my room looking for a toy. I told her I didn't know where it was. She then asked where her Daddy was and I told her he was at work. Then she asked where Grandpa Scott was, and I said he was at work too. And for a second, a split second, it was true...you were out in the hot summer sun with your hat and sunglasses on, pushing that lawnmower. I saw it, like someone was showing me a movie clip...but only for a moment. Then I remembered. That's when I woke up.

I saw a friend of yours yesterday. He and I were chatting a bit when a woman asked how we knew each other. He said "her father passed away, what, four years ago?"
Some days it feels like fifty...others, like yesterday.
"Three, actually."
"Oh three...yeah, and his wife and son still live in our ward."
Then the woman said "I'm sorry" and I said "thank you" and that was about it.

There's this unspoken silence that happens when I run into people that you have know for many years. As if we both know the connection between us, but it isn't a happy one, not anymore. So we can't really talk about it, this common thread, so we're left not talking at all. It isn't necessarily uncomfortable, it's just the way things are...and the other person and I know it.

I miss you Daddy.

Graduation Day for Seth

Today Seth graduates from high school. I know you will be there in spirit...sometimes that's just not good enough though. I remembered something you said to me a few weeks before you died. "You're my pride and joy"...that whole memory came flooding back to me while I was in the shower, of all places, and I just cried. That memory of course brought back others that weren't so good. I remember you and Jan asking me to be in charge of "pulling the plug" so to speak, on you if Jan were incapacitated for some reason and you had machines keeping you alive. I still don't know why, to this day, you think I could be the one to do that. I'm glad it never came to that...I think I would have let you down. I try to always think of you as you are now, happy and full of life in another realm staying busy doing missionary work and just waiting for your family to join you. That happy thought can only keep me going for so long before it breaks apart and I have a moment like now. I miss you and cry today with fresh tears as hot as the day you died. Good days and bad days...I know. I don't have much time left before I head out to your son's graduation. I hope having us all there at least helps the pain of not having you. Of course, maybe it's just one of those good days for Seth...who am I to drag him down? I love you Daddy...I hope today I can be "the rock" you used to call me.

See ya there.

Items of discussion left unfinished: #41

Okay okay...so the Star Wars prequels were on the other day and I have to give it to you...the guy that played the Emperor in the old Star Wars trilogies is the same guy that played him in the new ones. He just looked so OLD in the original three, I couldn't believe it was the same person! But, no...you were right. So there ya go ; )